Musings

I'd like to think that on some days, the green hat I put on really reflects what it means- at least to Edward De Bono - who created the idea of the 6 thinking hats. If you don't know, the green hat centers on CREATIVITY.. Which means that when we're thinking.. we should try thinking creatively. I think I've been showcasing that trait since I've managed to devise probably more than a dozen lullabies to put my baby to sleep this holiday. Of course sometimes I pick up on existing tunes and make my own lyrics.. Then at other times it's these `never-before-heard' melodies that I believe puts little Khadeeja to sleep.. ;) Now that, is creativity.. haha I can't say much about the Malay dramas I've been following on the idiot box these days.. Plots seem to be different but then end up being those you've already seen and heard. So what's the catch then? Why am I still glued to the screen? Cuz people in general are attracted to drama- in any form t...

He took his last breath around 6.30 pm in the presence of his daddy. He left us after 7 years of filling our lives with love and happiness. He was our first. He was the most loved. He shared our bed. He travelled with us. He had this look he'd give that told us how he felt. He `talked' to us.. able to communicate what he wanted and we'd always understand him. He was his daddy's son .. always sleeping on daddy's side, on daddy's hand.. Apart from me, he was my husband's soul mate.. ;) The pain of losing a pet has never been so heightened when Woody went away.. It's hard for most people to understand how much one can love their pet. We learnt that we're capable of it.. Capable of even mourning over the death of our cat. We were left with this crushed heart and sudden emptiness and disbelief.. He was that constant being that made our lives richer who filled that void of not having a child of our own. He was our child. But whatever we own in this world i...

Here I am at work stealing a few moments of `me time' to put some life back into this blog.. After 2 weeks back at work, I think I have gotten back into the groove..Working mode is on. Then I switch it off totally once at home. The little one gets most of my attention these days :D Time now carries a whole new meaning for me. It's a good thing I guess since I've adopted the policy of `no school work at home'.. so I try my best to get things done before I leave. I try.. Having a child turns your life around. People say the `honeymoon' is over and life will never be the same.. I suppose that's true. I'm not complaining. I know I'm in for a new challenge in life and I pray God will guide me all the way.. The thing is I seem to be at a lost for words these days.. Facebook statuses of mine are almost non-existent and I have no idea what to write in twitter or in this blog.. :p OK, this isn't a serious matter but being one who is drawn to language, I feel ...

This post must be written in the speed of lightening before the little one wakes up.. ;) I think I'm doing most things fast now - eg. eating, showering, etc.. all to fit around the timing of my baby. Today I finally got round to reading some essays while at the corner of my eye, stealing looks at the sleepyhead.. My students are still in my thoughts.. :D I suppose my worries and fears are slowly disappearing being replaced by some shred of confidence. Having family around is key.. my mom stayed the first few nights and did wonders with whipping up meals, giving baby a bath and also cleaning my fridge! She said I've always been `looking after' my students that I haven't had time to clear the fridge.. lol. Had to endure some nagging over the contents of my fridge.. (blushing).. Now I'm kinda anticipating the part I have to leave her as I start back work in 2 weeks time.. :( This is why some people quit their jobs I suppose.. they want to be there full time.. But work...

Am sleeping quite normally, loving her even more each day and am scared most of the time.. Motherhood is not really what I imagined it to be.. haha The everyday part of feeding and cleaning is fine I guess.. but now that she's here with us, I'm thinking of so many things already, like her future? Ok, take things one day at a time. Still, I truly respect those mothers out there who have raised more than one child.. cuz with only one so far, my oh my.. it's a handful! ps/ my favourite part: watching her sleep.. and when she looks at me straight in the eye :D

After the 6th day I can say that raya celebrations this year have been quite low key. Having to take hubby to the hospital on the 2nd day, miss out on balik kampung and forced to watch Malay horror dramas on telly almost everyday ( I have only myself to blame for this. .), it surely has been a different raya. That is life. You don't always get what you want.. and what you want may not always be what you need.. As much as I wonder (and moan) why a certain TV channel has been going on a horror spree this raya, I must not complain too much about having such a raya. All in good cause I believe.. We still had people coming over to the house and all that family bonding was still much alive even though it was short lived.. I do want to remind myself though that we continue to make plans in our life, but we must also remember that He decides.. So after having to see how pain and temporary immobility affected my dearest one.. let us remember what the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w once sai...

I heard this question over a radio channel about `How has your Ramadan progressed and what have you achieved?' People who called in said a lot of different things from waking up for prayers at night to buying less food at the Ramadan bazaars. I suppose for each individual it would be a different kind of progress for only that person knows what he has managed to accomplish. As we complete almost 14 days of Ramadan, and move halfway into Syawal, I aim to make this month a better one than before.. at least we try, right? Hope readers of this blog be the ones striving hard too =) Things at the office have been progressing too I guess. It's been quite a tough semester so far.. work is mounting like never before.. Pretty challenging to deal with some emotions in this fasting month. But handle them we must. Personally, my mental preparation of what's to come in the following month is also evolving into something more visible.. Yesterday was the first time we went out and ...

First off, the previous post was written in a moment of weakness :p I happen to love being a woman. Not only cuz I won't get jeered for wearing pink, but also because I can still be girly even at the age of 40 - which is NOT my age, mind you. Plus the chances of entering Paradise for a woman is easy actually.. if only one knew.. Dari Abdurrahman bin Auf r.a. bahawa Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda : "Jika perempuan mengerjakan solat yang lima puasa Ramadhannya , memelihara kehormatannya dan taat kepada suaminya maka akan dikatakan kepadanya masuklah ke dalam syurga dari pintu yang mana saja engkau suka Hadis riwayat Ahmad dan Thabarani Because it is easier said than done, we falter in our efforts to do this.. But let us mend our ways and strive to always be better every day. Happy Ramadhan everyone! May we receive blessings from Allah in this holy month and all good things that come from it this year.

Do you know how hard it is to be a woman?

Teaching English A1. Red velvet cake. An Indonesian wedding. Jakarta and it's endless macet moments. Ultrasound check-up Baby kicking inside mommy's tummy :) - just to name a few..

There comes a point in one's life that you gotta just throw caution to the wind (read: take a risk) and just do it. Look around you and tell me how many people you know have done that. See anyone familiar? You, probably? I think these past few days I've put up several statuses on my fb that kinda hints at how we should take challenges in our life and make something out of it. Of course it's very easy to cower in a corner and bemoan our fate.. and so it takes a lot of courage to get back up and face the music.. Something which I believe everyone can do, given some time and support. And so, after 11 years of marriage, I am now finally beginning to open up to doing the one thing I refused to do, only because I wanted to believe that I could do it naturally..,which is, I'm now ready to adopt! :) I do not want to discuss the struggles I've been through in the process of trying before coming to this decision.. but I just need to sort out the many feelings running through ...

It started last night, after drinks with a new acquaintance and after reflecting about a change that may happen to my life soon. Then, for some weird reason I started the day today in tears while taking sahur and listening to the zikir on 106. Much later, I shared joy and sorrow over knowing the results of the recent IB exam.. Exploding with feelings.. so much to say.. Will write more once I get my feelings sorted.

Been doing a lot of thinking lately and realizing that life is short and all that. Things which didn't matter to me before seem to be a big deal now and I'm seeing things in a different light.. wow, how many cliche phrases did you catch back there? ;) A lot of things that people don't do is because of fear. Afraid of failing, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of losing, afraid of what people say, afraid of the truth, afraid of feeling . Truth is, I'm afraid sometimes. Afraid of all that. But that's why there's those cliche expressions: Just Do It!, Take a leap of faith, to boldly go where no man(woman) has gone before ... :D And.. If you never try you never know, believe in yourself etc.. Then there's also Istikhara - to seek goodness from Allah- because when you're getting all messed up thinking of the what ifs , go back to Him and seek his guidance. Admit it, we are not readers of the future. If we're afraid to decide on something, we should pray, ...

It's the end of June.. soon it will be July - my favourite month ;) Significant things are happening in July. Results. Decisions to be made. New students, new class, new people to break my heart.. Anyway, it didn't work. My time off. Remind me not to have any time off from the world wide web cuz it'll never work. Can't be separated. Today was not a good day. I need to get my eyes checked cuz my lack of power which I never knew, is giving me terrible headaches and I couldn't see the writing on the mahjong papers my students presented today :( and my power is already 600!! :(( Ok.. gotta go battle with my cat and shove a pill down her throat. Please cooperate. If you're interested: sher127.tumblr.com goodnight readers of my blog..

I think I need some time off all things internet for a while. I know.. I've said this before. I love it, don't get me wrong. It started with having an email account. That was when I was in Uni! Talk about starting late.. Then.. we learnt how to chat online. Then.. facebook I think which I have been immersing myself in since the past 2, 3 ? years.., blogger, twitter (lately hv started to be a little active), whatsapp, viber (rarely use it but have it), tumblr -my latest craze - did you know I write there too?! Haiya... So many already.... For some unexplainable reason I think I have to stop. At least for a week. And get myself immersed in other things.. (which are plenty...) Somehow feel I'm neglecting other parts in my life.. After all, too much of something may not be a good thing.. right? Maybe I'll just visit tumblr.. who knows.. :P Ciao.

Am very well aware that I am getting older. Not cuz my birthday..ahem, is looming in a few weeks time. There have been signs , I think. One of it could be cuz I tend to wanna hear Lite fm these days instead of Hitz. `Loud' music makes me stressed on some days. Or the fact that I'm not losing weight as easy as I did 2 years ago.. ? (despite the regular treadmill sessions..) Yet I often stand my ground and declare that I am still in my "youthful years". I shouldn't really be in denial. Growing old is inevitable and so is death. Our journey to death actually begins the minute we were born. The day of our death was written on the day we were born. We just don't know when it is. But we can surely prepare for a good afterlife starting from now. Two things I thought about today made me think of life and death even more: 1) I recently registered my name for Hajj. I don't know why I never did it earlier. If I live long enough I'll go in 2040! Where I'll b...

Am once again surrounded by the chaos and craziness of my working world. And I haven't even started teaching yet! One thing I often get to do when I'm at work is shop! There's always something for everybody whenever someone starts selling. In my defense, it saves me time from having to go to a shop myself.. and if i can get quality goods at affordable prices (pay 2,3 times.. haha), why not? Today it was batik. And being around colleagues who watch what we wear day in and day out.. everyone seems to know what colour would suit which person. I was no exception.. Once again, I didn't surprise anyone and chose material with the same colour I always choose. Which got strong reactions from my dear observant friends. So, I decided to try listening to everybody's protests and tried hard to find something that wasn't me . I wanted to embrace the challenge of wearing something different. Getting out of my comfort zone. But then I wondered, why would I want to be not me ...

Seven years ago we made a decision that changed our lives. My husband and I took in ( bought ) a 2 month old cat (from Penang) who at that time was a tiny one and could fit into my husband's pocket shirt. We named him Woody because of his colour and we never looked back. Since then we've breeded 10 of Woody's offsprings and 5 grandchildren. After several deaths, a disappearance and some giving away, only 6 remain with us. And they are indeed a sight for sore eyes, a source of comfort and joy and above all, our children . Can't imagine life without them.

Every school holiday the only little sister I have invites herself to stay ;) And I in turn get to become the doting sister.. well kindof, and spend time with her by: 1) cooking a lot of western food (cuz that's all she likes to eat) 2) letting her play with the cats 3) going to the gym or swimming together. though I sit out on the swimming and instead, just read next to the pool 4) taking her out to watch a movie 5) giving a lot of sisterly advice (believe me she still needs it!) 6) getting into `cat-fights'.. No. 6 is a MUST. :p As adults over 30, you'd think that would be over and done with. But sadly it still happens. I have learnt to stop being the childish one.. but seriously, it's not easy to not want to get into some sort of argument.. Please let me be the nice sister with her around dear God. You know I love her - that's why I'm mean to her.. ;D

Today I was reminded of some people in my life who I seem to have forgotten. I think we never really forget them but we just place them aside for a while in our minds. We remember people who have gone from this earth. And then we also remember people who are still around, but whom we may never see again.. 11 years. That's how long. I pray you are safe and well. Living a good life. I pray you will find your way to us once more and that God will guide you on the right path.. I pray you remember us too.

Currently 2.30 am on a Sunday morning and am wide awake. Ok well, I'm starting to feel a little drowsy.. Didn't really plan to stay up this late but I suppose since the people in this house seem intent to watch a football match, I have made myself occupied with things to distract me from sleeping. I've had my share of sleepless nights before. Two years ago when I was finishing up my masters and what feels like a century ago, when I was doing my degree. Last minute work can actually create wonders! Anyway, this is day 9 of my holiday. And in typical holiday mode, I have spent the first week really just chilling. But I do wish I'd get down to doing things on the list I made before the holiday. Maybe I shouldn't make a list in the future.. Just noticed one thing today.. that I've been spending a lot of time with people who don't have father figures in their life. It's just one of those things in life I suppose.. a son whose father divorced his mother and m...

There are some days like today that I begin to wonder why things turn out a certain way.. When I start looking around me and realising things I'm missing out on.. It's so easy for me to just go and sulk in a corner, like a kid who doesn't get what she wants.. Luckily I'm not.. sulking that is. Or maybe I am, in my own sad way.. like writing in here.. Maybe it's cuz I'm a grown up (who sometimes doesn't feel so grown up being around a bunch of kids at work.. hehe..), and so I suck it all in and put on a brave facade. To be honest it's tiring sometimes. To try to look OK. But I have to. At least for my own sake. And maybe for others too.. What keeps me sane is having faith in God and knowing that Allah knows best and what is good for his servants.. May I always be reminded of that.

It is probably the most thought about thought in most students mind right now. And teachers too. Which is why I'm writing about it obviously.. The day is looming and approaching and there's nothing we can do about it. It's funny cuz as much as I'm preparing to say goodbye, I'm also busy preparing for the new semester beginning in June. And for the new students to come.. The cycle goes on. Students enter our lives and go, replaced by new faces, new characters. But do you wanna know something? When those dear students of mine leave, their `spirit' actually remains, floating around.. and sometimes, if you're lucky, when you least expect it, you get to see them in the faces of others.... Creepy but true ;) Oh crap, I'm gonna miss everyone terribly..

This post is dedicated to this series. I blame a certain someone for getting me hooked on it - you know who you are :) If I was a student I'd write an essay on it for my paper 2 or maybe even an EE.. haha. I call myself crazy getting all obsessed like a young girl over characters on TV. This would be me maybe 15 years ago.. but I guess, age is just a number. That's the thing about reality and fantasy. You can bury yourself into a world that does not exist and get all inspired and moved by it. People call that a good story. Kudos to the writers ;) I do know of a certain someone who relishes fantasy stories and reads them religiously. That person said it's better than having to face all the depressing things in this world.. But face it you must.. and after watching 3 episodes in a row just now I had to stop myself from going overboard and pretending I have nothing else to do.. :p So I will go back to my life now and live it. And later when I'm free.. continue watching an...

Not ready to let go Cause then I'd never know I don’t know where I’m at I’m standing at the back And I’m tired of waiting Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing. I shot for the sky I’m stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Never know why it’s coming down, down, down. Not ready to let go Cause then I'd never know What I could be missing But I’m missing way too much So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for. `Down' by Jason Walker Dear God, may I not fall down and drown.. Ya Allah, tidak ada kemudahan kecuali sesuatu yang Engkau permudahkan, Engkau menjadikan kedukaan itu mudah sekiranya Engkau kehendaki.

When I was in uni we'd all like to imagine who'd get married first, how our children would look like and even behave! Was funny really. The nice and tidy among us would get neat and well mannered kids, the not so neat would get messy but cute ones.. Things like that.. I was the one who everyone imagined as the motherly one.. Others, the diva, the disciplinarian, the outgoing one.. Maybe we were at that right age to predict ourselves, so it's no wonder that most of what we imagined came true. My dear friends are all mothers now. If not to their own offsprings, to hundreds of kids they call students. Like me. I don't really know how to be a mother but some people think of me that way so I guess I must be doing something along the lines of one.. ;) Thank you. I hope when the actual time comes for me I can be a good one. Happy Mothers Day!

Today was cupcake day. It was a day of excitement over looking at your name on a cupcake :) A heartwarming day to be able to put a smile on students' faces. It was also a day that passed by with a heavy heart. Since it was the last day to stand in front of a `class' and give our `last' piece of advice. Every time. This happens every time . And you'd think you'd get used to it. You never really do. I guess this is where the expression missing you already comes in.. :p

Don't you wish sometimes you could stop time?

Ever had your love rejected? Or maybe just your affections? Story of my life.. Haha. cliche. But yes, it's not the best feeling in the world to go through. You begin questioning.. what's wrong with me? am I that bad? why can't you love me? Inevitable. You'll face it some point in your life. Or at many points in your life. This week alone I witnessed several.. either it was a research question, a personal statement, an idea... Sorry, not much love stories I know of are going round around me to include here.. ;) Since an idea I had, a brilliant one I might say, got rejected.. this post has sprung to life.. What more can I say, people have their own perspectives.. To one person (or many in this case) it may have been a good idea, but when you start dissecting it into small pieces and looking at the bigger picture.. poof! there goes your great idea.. torn to pieces.. Ok, being melodramatic.. Anyway, I have to admit. It may have seemed a bit too much, but it was all in good...

I was told last week how lucky I was that I could afford a `leisurely' weekend to myself. In response I told the person that I was as busy as other people during weekends - with or without kids to look after. Somebody told me this week how she envied people's success. In response I asked her - how do you measure `success'? Cuz I sometimes look at other people's life as being more `successful' than mine as they possess the one thing I still don't have. Kids. Then the phrase life is not fair came to mind. Which made me reflect that life is fair because God is fair. God may not grant you things that other people have (and that you want), but He replaces it with other things in your life that are as equally good. This could be anything . So people should just count their blessings and not complain too much.. right? In actual fact that's not what most people end up doing.. and so.. they grumble and moan about their life. So what should be done really is to w...

Had a day full of feelings . Maybe I still am having that day as I write this entry. Today I.. shed tears, laughed, smiled, blushed, got upset, got irritated,got mad, got excited, felt love, fear, sadness, happiness.. all rolled into one bundle of me . It is actually possible for a person to feel all that in one day.. maybe even within hours that do not even last a day.. Have you ever? In `youth speak' they'd call this emo I guess. And it's only natural.. being humans with feelings. The difference is how we deal with those feelings. Either we let them control us or we learn to control them. Are we going to keep them all inside or be the one who wears his heart on his sleeve ?

Posted this on fb just now. Blame it on my sweet tooth.. Teachers keep talking even after class ends. Students come by in mixed fashion trends. Oh wouldn't it be nice if on their visits they'd bring us some chocs or some biscuits? ;)

Everybody forgets. It is normal. The difference is the degree of the forgetting.. I have some hazy memories of events in my life.. Age may have done that to me. But sometimes the sad part is when it's a total loss of everything. Memory loss? Recently I've started forgetting people's names.. err, these are people who I don't talk to on a daily basis, but see everyday.. ooops.. Then there's people on facebook who we sometimes forget we're friends with. Among the 600++ friends I have, I can barely recall half of them if you ask me to say their names.. (and i have also begun to wonder why I'm friends with them...sorry..) A friend once told me I have `selected amnesia' which means I choose what I want to remember and forget.. Hmm.. maybe.. But deep in the recesses of our mind, we sometimes do remember.. It's just what we decide to do with that memory that differs.. Either we brush it off as if it were unimportant, or we pause and take time to think about ...

During my first year or was it my second year at University..(my memory fails me..), I had to complete a few weeks of teaching practice. To start with, I was placed at a primary school with a coursemate.. No `real' teaching was done at first since we basically had to observe the teachers in action and jot down all possible tips we could get from the classes we were in.. What the teacher did, how she did it.. was it a good thing.. We had to be REFLECTIVE.. Anyway our first class which i recall was with the little ones.. maybe aged between 5-6.. Things I remember: The kids were adorable creatures with 1001 behaviours.. The class was a colourful array of papers and objects.. (with tiny chairs & tables).. .. and of course the phrase used by one teacher still fresh in my memory: silly billy Whenever a child made a mistake or was behaving badly.. the teacher would say.. `Oh, you're a silly billy aren't you..' or 'Don't be a silly billy'. . And till this...

At the age that I am, I am well aware that life is not made up of happy endings all the way. You get your spectrum of moments and that is life as it is. But when reading a book or watching a movie..., what I want to see is a happy ending. And when I get to the end of a story I thought would give me an ending it deserved - especially after going through the ups and downs of a character.. it just upsets me that someone has to die or that the ending falls far from my expectations.. Just had that moment with a book I finally finished - `Never Let Me Go' - ok the title maybe should've given me a clue of it's possible ending.. But still.. Kazuo Ishiguro (the author) writes beautifully. His strength lies in his ability to describe events with such detail. The plot is fascinating.. though I kinda only got it almost towards the end of the story- that the children in it were `clones'.. or `designed' to be used as donors.. It didn't emphasize that explicitly in the novel b...

As I write this entry it is with realisation that it is my 100th. Nothing to be proud of really but kinda making it a big deal cuz the number sounds grand :) So.. upon returning from the land so fondly called `Down Under', I was thinking of writing 100 things about my trip..erm.. would anyone be interested to read it? Let's try.. The FLIGHT 1. I love MAS. 2.Truly laden with MH= malaysian hospitality 3. it fed us with ice-cream on both journeys to and fro.. 4. with superb in-flight entertainment :D 5. read my book only on the way to Aussie but not on the way back.. too distracted by the entertainment on board.. ;) The WORKSHOP 6. The IB workshop drained me but I learnt a lot 7. made new friends! from Australia, Jakarta, India, etc.. 8. got material to use in class 9. it was a fully digital experience as we had to refer to stuff from a website - so EVERYONE was with a laptop.. kinda reminded me of a class with students who use the laptop while I'm teaching.. haha.. 10. thi...